Here are my comments on the book:
Why is it that some relationships succeed yet others fail? One theory is that there’s a mismatch between the couple’s “attachment style”. Dr. Amir Levine, a researcher at Columbia University, proposes that people fall in to one of these three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Those who are secure, generally, are comfortable with intimacy, and are warm and loving. Anxious people want intimacy, they’re preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner loving them back. Avoidant people perceive intimacy with a loss of independence and consistently try to minimize closeness. Points taken away are:
1. When we become attached to someone, our biology changes to become in tune and in sync with our partner. Not only does picking the right partner have a direct effect on your happiness, it also affects your health. “Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.“
2. If your attachment style is anxious, try to avoid those with an avoidant attachment style. The person who is anxious will crave and seek intimacy while the person with the avoidant attachment style will try to minimize it; try to find someone with a secure attachment style.“When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.“
3. Despite your attachment style, effective communication between partners can dramatically reduce hardships. These are five principles of effective communication:
“1. Effective communication requires being genuine and honest about your feelings.
2. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well. When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want.
3. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower his or her chances of getting it right.
4. Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate.
5. Be assertive and non apologetic. Your relationship needs are valid-period.”
By Ryan Lee
Check out the book here: